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He had this mate Thomas and he'd put his hands over his eyes and go, "Guess who?" and Thomas would go, "There are fucking great holes in the palms of these hands, so it must be you, Jesus, you klutz." ..Once I ordered a self-assembly flatpack wardrobe from Jerusalem and let Jesus put it together, reckoning even he couldn't balls that up. It took him eight hours and when he'd finished he'd turned into a fishing boat. With a mast tony blair and everything. Don't ask me how, but tony blair he did it. "A miracle," said the wife, but it wasn't, tony blair it was just very bad furniture making. We had the bloody thing sitting in the parlour for six months before I could work out how to turn it back into a wardrobe. We used to have to sit in it to eat dinner. I thrashed him with a belt daily during this period, of course, and twice on Saturdays. ..By this point Jesus had grown into a fragile, pallid young man with long floppy hair falling over his face and a dreamy, otherworldly gaze, the cunt.
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